Whisper To A Scream

What a long freakin out day

2009-12-07T13:34:00.001-07:00

Finally had to break down and admit that Ro needs to be in daycare for at least 4 hours a day. This is so I don't lose my mind, but it's also for his safety and mental growth. And so that I can clean and study uninterrupted. I feel like I've failed somehow but I also know that with BPD, you don't get to choose how you act sometimes and it is not always safe for others. FML.

Something that makes me smile every time.

2009-11-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

OF course.

2009-11-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

Things I was supposed to do today:
Clean
Clean
More cleaning
Organize

Things I have done:
Googled Sade
Googled Sprout
Googled French lessons
Googled fat girls wearing skinny jeans.

Boy. I sure am a productive little lass.

Target, you dissappoint me.

2009-11-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

So. I ventured out today, which is Black Friday. I hit up Michael's first for some Christmas decorations. Spent way too much on beads. Target didn't have crap for good deals. It was like nothing was on sale at all. I did get a neat train set for Ro, but that's about it. FAIL STORE!

Just as I thought...

2009-11-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

I met my new doc today. He confirmed my BPD, although he says he believes it is Type 1, and not Type 2. That was surprising to me. When I really think about it, though, I can see it too. His office is in this gorgeous Victorian house. I was having a hard time filling out the initial paperwork because I was too consumed by all the antique crown moulding and carvings. I feel relief now that I am validated with the BPD issue. I feel like I can move forward and not have to hide. Good day.

Time drags when you're having a suckass time...

2009-11-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

What. A. Year.

I haven't written on my blog in so long. Tomorrow I go to see a new doc who will confirm what we already know--that I do, in fact, suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Strange, it seems that having BPD is actually fashionable these days. It's like it is sooo tragically COOL to have BPD. Well, I have news for you, kids. It's a living hell. Uncontrollable anger? Fun. Hearing voices in your head? Peachy. Not being able to handle cleaning your house, cooking meals, caring for your child, even bathing and combing your hair? The best!

I have always tried really hard to hide it, but I can remember being like this since I was young. It is not uncommon for people suffering from BPD to hear voices. I'm not talking about the type associated with Schizophrenia. These voices typically* don't tell people BPD to do things. The way I can explain it is a constant gathering in one's head. Talking with others who experience this, I've noticed we all seem to just have people talking in our heads who won't shut up, but aren't usually talking TO us. However, this is different when we're on our lows. We (my support group friends and I) have generally agreed that the voices are then malicious. When we're on highs, they are encouraging. Anyhoodle, my point is that when I was younger, I can remember two distinct voices. They were young girls, like me, and I called them my friends. I think people thought I meant imaginary friends, but I don't remember feeling that's what they were. I do know that I assigned names to them--Melinda and Darlinda. They were a source of comfort to me...but they did eventually become silent. I think I concocted a story about them dying in a car crash which I told my mom. As I got older, the "mumblings" just turned into background noise. A constant party or argument. I noticed in highschool I had a lot of highs where I got pretty full of myself. Then I would go into periods of feeling totally worthless. Between 18-22, I was on some meds which kind of helped, though they were for depression. I still had some fluctuations though.

Here is my favorite way to describe what BPD is like. It's like you're sitting in a filthy room with a tiny dirty window. Sometimes you can scrape away the dirt and see out the window, and the sun is shining out there. People are playing and having fun. You get really excited and almost have that window open, but then something ominous and evil drags you back into your filthy cube and makes you watch while everyone else has the time of their lives.

If you have mood swings from time to time, that is NOT BPD. BPD fluctuations are not something you can fully understand unless you have the disorder. This is not situational depression and happiness. Oh, I get comments sometimes like 'well why can't you just be happy?'. 'Suck it up!' 'You need to get out more often!' 'You're just trying to get attention!'. Gee, would that I could. How many times a day do I wish that I could just be "normal" like the people that put people with BPD down. They have no idea. No idea. Do we like not being able to work because we have personality disorders? Do we like being told that we're lazy and too sensitive? You guess.

I suppose I'm angry right now. I'm angry because I know that I can try to explain what this disease is like until I'm blue in the face, and people will still not understand and look down on me. OR think that I'm being dramatic. Or someone will call me crazy, a freak, nuts, psycho. Because that helps sooo much. It is so frustrating.

Tomorrow is a beacon of hope for me. I will do whatever it takes to be a normal human being. If I have to take 6+ medications at once (and I know some people who do), then I will.

<3

2009-04-06T20:45:00.000-06:00

HEY YOU. Yeah. You. I think you're super delicious. kthxbai

Why??

2009-04-05T22:12:00.007-06:00

To the people who try to sell plain white t-shirts for more than $15:
If we ever meet, I'm going to punch you in the clavicle. Unless it is diamond crusted, embroidered with the ass hairs of Jesus, and dipped in the tears of baby unicorns, you should NOT be charging hundreds of dollars for it. Just sayin'.

Procr-ASS-tination, Hour 29387428346

2009-04-04T15:42:00.004-06:00

THINGS I HAVE GOOGLED TODAY:
Iman
Fondant
Ben Kingsley
How do you say holy shit in French?
Sins of a Solar Empire
Mucalucks
Useless laws

THINGS I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCHOLAR.GOOGLE:
Commercialism

Sigh.

I'm gonna betch slap the dumb outta you.

2009-04-03T17:37:00.003-06:00

Today Will and I were driving home from Target. I don't remember what we were talking about, but whatever it was, it cause him to say, "I'm gonna gall bladder the bitch slap out of you!". We stared at each other for a second then proceeded to spew heart guffaws. I guess you had to be there.

There will be blood.

2009-03-30T19:52:00.003-06:00

Will just ate my champagne truffle, and I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty devastated. He tried to make peace by offering me his chocolate rum truffle, but I just don't see how that is an equal exchange. Champagne is my favorite.

Ugh

2009-03-30T09:39:00.003-06:00

I was screwing around over on Postmormon.org today and there was a thread about non-temple LDS weddings. This is what I had, because I had been a mormon for all of like 5 minutes and I've never had enough money to tithe to be able to get INTO the stupid temple in the first place. Imagine that, I have to make payments to some old men to be able to be sealed to my family. Sounds like a company.

Anyhoodle, a lot of people were talking about their non-temple weddings and said that if they could do it over they would. Some people only had a temple wedding, and still would do it over. If you're reading this and don't know anything about temple weddings....this is how it works, roughly. You have to be a "worthy" (excuse my skeptical snort) member to get a temple recommend. A temple recommend stems from an interview you have with your bishop where he asks a bunch of questions which really aren't any of his business, IMO. You have to follow the Word of Wisdom (no tea, coffee, alcohol), pay your tithing (10% of gross income), and be an active member in church (I refuse to say THE church, because it isn't THE church. It's just A church). Those are the main points to being worthy. And you have to had maintained worthiness for a year, at least.

If you are deemed worthy (aw shucks, lil ol meeee? Thanks, by golly!), you get your recommend, which tangibly is a piece of paper with a bar code on it. Yep. They keep track of worthy people with bar codes. Moving on. If it is your first marriage, you are expected to have followed the law of chastity. ANYWAY, you go into the temple and they perform a ceremony which is supposed to bind you to your spouse for all time and eternity. As far as I understand it, from talking to people who've been in the temple, you don't exchange rings.

SO. The main point. Non-temple weddings are played down like they aren't as important, because they are seen as mortal contracts. The bish will probably say something to the effect of this ceremony being only for life, and he'll probably look incredibly bored, like ours did. It will take maybe 5 minutes. The bishop's wife will sit there staring at some point beyond your head, chewing her gum hugely and probably think about what scrapbooking materials she's itching to buy. (Ok, so that was my "wedding". And I'm not certain it was scrapbooking. Coulda been recipes. Either way. Results may vary).

Will and I should've done our wedding how we initially planned. We wanted to either get married at the Opryland Hotel (found a sweet package) or at this place near Palmer Lake, CO. Why didn't we? I can never really answer that question in my head. I know part of it was no monetary help from the parents and it would've taken us a long time to pay for it ourselves. Part of it was conflicting ideas on how it should be done by our families, and part of it was we just wanted to be married and didn't care to have a big 'ol party for a bunch of relatives we'd been pressured to invite but didn't really know or maybe like. I don't think most of my family would've come anyway. In any case, my biggest regret is that we didn't do it exactly how we wanted to. You know what I remember from my meager ceremony? His sister's voice cutting in with, "I WANNA GO HOME". Niiiiiiiiice. So if you're reading this and thinking, "Well that's what you get" then you're probably right.

I'm a little bitter. Do I sound bitter? I think just a tad bitter.

I WANT A DO OVER!

My sister is going to get married in Jamaica next year. Just her and her boyfriend. I would have it somewhere in the mountains, outside. I would invite a limited amount of people that I REALLY want there. Why do people get their panties in a twist over who to invite to weddings? Why does it matter if my second cousin who I saw like twice when I was 7 is there? They aren't a part of my every day life. I would barely know them. They don't especially care to see me get married. Doesn't make sense to me.

So yeah. Do over. Plz k thx.

Proc-ASS-tination, Hour One

2009-03-29T12:45:00.007-06:00

www.toothpastefordinner.com

Yeah. So I'm sposed to be writing for my English class. Am I? No. Why? Because. I am like a chimp who discovers a shiny object through a hole in a coconut. Somehow my assignment about democracy and consumerism led to my husband asking if I wanted to go to this wine tasting place in Manitou Springs. Five dollar wine! That led me to asking my cousin Jenny if she'd like to go when she visits in April, which led to discussing whether or not we should try a vegetarian cafe we found in the same building, which led me to asking Jenny if she'd go there too, which led to her saying something about women's troubles, which led me to Googling different types of pain relief methods, which led to an herbal site, which left me thinking about whether or not I am vitamin D deficient, which made me ask my husband if he thought I might be fatigued from lack of vitamins, and that made him say...

"QUIT DICKIN' AROUND AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I'M GOING UPSTAIRS WITH THE BABY."

So then I felt like blogging about it and now I have, so I'm going to end this run-on sentence ridden epistle and try to do my homework.

But, really, you can see how this is all Will's fault, right? I knew you'd see it my way.

This better work.

2009-02-12T16:16:00.002-07:00

Will got the stupid, unqualified Banfield lady to take that charge off our account. Turns out, it WAS their mistake, not ours. I knew it. Let's see if they honor what they said they're going to do. Bitches.

Fuck Banfield Pet Hospital!

2009-02-12T15:29:00.002-07:00

I loathe this organization. It is the pet hospital through Petsmart. They lure you in with promises of great pet health insurance. Fine. I get that I'm the one who signed up. BUT, I do read my contracts, you know, and I'm not stupid. We have had nothing but pure hell from this company for the past year. They keep trying to suck money out of us that we don't owe, and now they're about to feel our wrath. We keep updating our bank information, and they keep saying that our bank info isn't valid and aren't taking the payments out when they're supposed to. Because of their stupidity (we asked the bank, their claims aren't valid), we are now being sent to collections for an account WE ASKED NOT TO BE RENEWED. THEY RENEWED THAT PET'S PLAN ANYWAY. Now they're telling us we owe them money for the renewed plan. I'm sure as hell not about to pay for something I asked to be cancelled. Please, nobody use this plan. Just take your pets to a non-chain clinic and pay the bill upfront. Otherwise, you'll be paying for lot's of services you don't use and when you try to get away, they will make it as hard as possible. Gawd. I am NOT paying that damn money. I don't HAVE any money to give them, least of which belongs to them. This is so fucking stupid!

Sorry for the language. I'm mad.

I need to learn Japanese

2009-02-03T14:39:00.005-07:00

I keep finding all these cool bands. Hard part is that they're singing in Japanese and I can't understand a word of it, but the music is so good. I wonder if it's a hard language to learn. Well anyway. Here's a guy I found, Joe Inoue. He's American, but it seemes like most of his stuff is in Japanese. He plays all the instruments and does all the mixing too. I just really like the song, don't have a clue what he's saying. I know it has something to do with bonding with friends of something...

My dog wears mermaid panties.

2009-01-30T19:09:00.004-07:00

This pic is blurry, but Katie wouldn't sit still. Don't you love her Ariel panties?? My little girl is a woman now *tear*. Hehe. Much cheaper than buying doggy diapers. This setup only cost me about $3.97 as opposed to the $16 I would've spent at Petsmart.

I love her.

2009-01-30T19:05:00.002-07:00

This is my fat cat. She is so cute and squishy. It's been hard for me to get attatched to any animal since childhood, but she managed to do it for me. I love youuuuu, Spunky Mama!

Hehe

2009-01-29T21:57:00.001-07:00

This is relevant to my interests.

2009-01-29T16:55:00.004-07:00

Two graphs that describe my life right now.

I have never craved pickles and ice cream. It was marshmallows and Pepsi!

EVERY TIME. Except you know what my college likes to do?? They like to make custom textbooks only for that college, which means I can't buy a used one off someone else in the country. They do it for most of the math and computer classes. The most expensive classes. Barfheads.

Old Scaly McDryflake

2009-01-28T17:45:00.005-07:00

I am on a quest for the perfect body lotion. If I don't find one soon, all that will be left of me will be a patch of scaly skin that my husband can keep in a box. Kind of like Goldmember. BTW, why is scaly not spelled scaley? Makes more sense to me with the E. Anyone have any suggestions? *cracks*

If you touch it, you'll die!

2009-01-28T17:04:00.005-07:00

Here is yet another phrase that can be used for almost any situation:

www.toothpastefordinner.com

Example:
Boss--Employee, I need you to fax/email/mail/go get my coffee/work on Saturday.
Employee--THE FLOOR IS LAVA! IF I TOUCH IT, I'LL DIE! Sorry, can't leave the house.

Shame on you, William Petersen.

2009-01-24T20:34:00.005-07:00

OK, listen Petersen. Just what do you mean by leaving the show while I'm pregnant?? Do you not understand how much joy I glean from watching Gil Grissom? Do you not understand that Gil Grissom is my world? I mean, your people already took my sweet Gary Dourdan away from me. IN THE SAME SEASON. Ok, well technically he died in the last season, but it carried over to this one so it counts. Laurence Fishburne is all well and good, and I still have George Eads to look at. Plus that Szmanda guy. But if there is no Grissom, there is no Jessi watching CSI every week without fail. SHAME ON YOU. Making pregnant ladies cry. But go ahead! Go explore your artistic opportunities! Show the world you aren't just Gil Grissom. You'll still always be my bug man.

Funerals

2009-01-23T20:09:00.004-07:00

I was reading a thread on Postmormon.org about funerals and the religious beliefs that go with Mormon ceremonies. It got me thinking about how I would want my funeral to go.

If I were to die today, right now, this is how I'd want it done. I would not want to be buried in a casket. They're expensive and a wooden box would serve just as well. I want to be cremated, which is a lot cheaper. The average casket costs $6000, whereas cremation averages $1200. I'd want a really tacky urn to put my ashes in, which my husband would keep. I still have to figure out where I'd scatter them, if I did.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate big to do's. So, I wouldn't want a funeral service, and I wouldn't want something that kept everyone sad. I'd want my family to have a party/get together at someone's house and just talk about me however they felt like. Instead of some elaborate memorial service, I'd want some personalized photos in nice frames made for anyone who wanted one. That would be a better way to keep me with them, and they could "visit" me whenever they wanted.

If someone really cared about honoring my memory, this is how they would do it. Long story short: spend as little money as possible, get the dorkiest urn you can find, and have a party at someone's house.

Will wants to be cremated too. I think we'd better update our living wills.

And if someone doesn't play "Everybody Dance Now" at the party, I will personally come back to haunt their asses.

I bet it's real.

2009-01-23T17:54:00.002-07:00

I watch Stargate. I am a total Stargate nerd. I was horrified when I found out that SG1 was ending and now I'm sad that Stargate Atlantis is also going bye bye. I loved that SG1 is based in my home town. There is even a huge sculpture in America the Beautiful park here that looks like the Stargate.

I bet it's true. I bet the government is using the Stargate show to tell us how life really began on Earth. Yep. The Ancients transplanted us here. The Asgard really crashed in Roswell, and they had to cover it up. The Mayans even met the Asgard, and that's where those images of the elongated headed humanoids came from.

Orrrrrr it's just a really good geek show. Probably that.

There really was a project called Stargate though, but it had to do with clairvoyance and OOBE studies.

Hehe.

WANT

2009-01-22T23:27:00.002-07:00

Clicky click to see the bigger picture.

RUN, FAT GIRL, RUNNNN!

2009-01-21T22:22:00.008-07:00

I have a secret. A most secrety secret. The biggest secret in all of secretdom.

Ok, it's not that interesting.

BUT.

When I am not a fat girl anymore, when I lose the baby/marshmallow/Pepsi/butterscotch/if it's sweet, I'll eat it weight......I'ma get full sleeve tattoos. Probably my neck and back too.

I have secretly longed for a tattoo ever since I was young and my sister got one. When I was little, I wanted to do everything she did. I wanted to dress like her, dye my hair like her (PURPLE, no less), and get a tattoo like her. This is coming from me, a girl who doesn't even have her ears pierced.

The thing that has stopped me from ever getting one was my weight. I've always been pudgy. I felt like I would be putting a sign on my forehead saying "Please laugh at the fat girl" if I got a tattoo. Yes. I sound judgemental. But I don't think chunky girls should get tattoos, especially not the little paws on the boobs kind. Or the butterfly on her cankle (calves flow into ankles, eliminating the ankle, and thus creating the CANKLE). I said I sure as hell wasn't going to do something I didn't think other girls should do. So I need to get in shape.

I realize I will be a grandma someday, it's something you have to live with forever, blah blah. But you only get one life! If I can't be a grandma with tattoos, then what was the point of living. WHAT WAS IT?!?!1!111!oneone

I have decided that when I get my tattoos, it will be a henna design. Only permanent. I wanted something earthy looking and pretty (I mean, I thought about doing Shy Girl or the Comdey/Tragedy faces, but you know. Eh.).

I want to get it on my feet, sleeves, back, and neck. This will most definitely cost my whole life savings, plus interest. BUT IT'S A DREAM, MY FRIENDS. A DREAM! I will need to find a very talented artist here in the Springs to do it. Those henna thingies are really detailed and intricate (same thing?). I remember watching some show where a girl got a diamond tattooed on her back with what was supposed to be "Jewel" right above it, because that was her name. The guy tattooed Jewle. I'm not getting any letters, but I'd hate for something that's supposed to look like a flower end up looking like a wad of snot. That can come later when I'm a saggy grandma.

My grandma has a tattoo, BTW. It's the initials of her old boyfriend on her bicep. It tickles me.

So. I'll get all in shape and muscletastic. Then I'll take up belly dancing. Maybe people will mistake me for Rachel Brice. Haw. Right. Who is Rachel Brice? She's a super duper, tribal style belly dancer. That's her, in the tribal outfit thingie.

So while I may never realize my dream of being covered in permanent henna, I can keep thinking about it. Only I have to think about it with a thin body, or else I giggle at myself.

I am 12 years old.

2009-01-21T21:35:00.003-07:00

I heard someone use the term "monster dong" and I cracked up. Like no one will ever say anything as funny as that, EVER.

I'm pregnant, shut up. Things are weird when you're pregnant.

Sometimes I Wonder About Myself

2009-01-20T11:02:00.005-07:00

I realize I'm a very solitary person. I don't mind not talking to people, whether it be in person or on the phone. I've had a few people tell me I'm very detached, apathetic, whatever. That I don't have feelings. If I have friends, cool. If I don't, fine.

I don't have super close relationships, except with two people. One died when I was 17,my neighbor-turned-surrogate parent (his name was RM), the other is my husband. I think I have finally figured out why that is.

I am a crazy cat lady.

Or maybe it's because I don't have close relationships that I am a crazy cat lady, and not the other way around.

Only I wouldn't be the gross cat lady. The one that imprisons all the cats in little boxes and lets crap and fur pile up in her house until the number of cats is so high, they end up ingesting her when she dies.

No. I'm not that one. I just really love cats. I love their go to hell attitude. I love that they think I'm their overgrown, hairless relative who also happens to be their slave. I love that my cat could pee on my jeans and I'd just shake my head and say, "Awww. I must not be keeping your litter clean enough. I'm sorry!", whereas if the dog did it, she'd better run and hope I don't find her.

Not a dog person really.

stickers from www.stickergiant.com

When I'm Feeling Sad, Like Today...

2009-01-19T20:44:00.002-07:00

Cool Cat

My Pron Name.

2009-01-15T19:06:00.005-07:00

<<--Lol

Pron because I always seemed to screw up the pronunciation of porn. One of those words that you can feel the screw up coming out of your mouth but can't stop and say it wrong anyway.

SO. ANYWAY. My pron name is Leanne Adelaide. I'm sure everyone has heard of the porn name formula--your middle name followed by the street you grew up on the longest. Well, the street I lived on the longest was Avenue 428, which makes no sense, so I had to use the street before that. That street was Adelaide. My husband's would be Emery Russell Evergreen. Haw. Sounds more like a soap opera name.....come to think of it, mine does too.
There's also the formula in which you use the name of your first pet instead of middle name, and that one is more entertaining by far. Mine would be Peaches Adelaide (Peaches is the first pet I ever remember having). Or it could be Sugar Adelaide, she was my first kitteh. Heh!

What's YOUR pron name?? Post below xD

Things that make sense to me (and at least 2 other people I know)

2009-01-15T14:33:00.004-07:00

I heard the comedian Lewis Black once say that if it is 20 degrees(he might've used different numbers) outside, but with the windchill feels like 4 degrees, wouldn't the temperature just be 4 degrees??? If it FEELS like it's 4, then isn't it just 4?? Then when the wind dies down, it's just 20 if it feels like 20??

Or how Kathleen Maddigan said that 50% off of 50¢ is free. That also made total sense to me, even though I know it doesn't really.

Hmm.

I don't have a goose neck yet.

2009-01-14T16:02:00.001-07:00

I realize my picture up there looks like I have a "gaggle" neck, but it's really just a wisp of hair. Which you would be able to see if I hadn't distorted the picture. That is all. Carry on.

Why Tee-Recks??

2009-01-14T15:56:00.005-07:00

This is why Tee-Recks. This picture never fails to crack me up. Just like the "my hair is a bird" phrase, "Tee-recks iz bloo" works for just about anything.

Ex:

Will: Why haven't you cleaned the kitchen today?

Jessi: Tee-recks iz bloo.

What's he sposed to say to that, huh? Huh?? NOTHING! That's right, William. You can't say NOTHIN'.

I'll post soon

2009-01-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

I promise. Just got this up tonight.