What a long freakin out day

Finally had to break down and admit that Ro needs to be in daycare for at least 4 hours a day. This is so I don't lose my mind, but it's also for his safety and mental growth. And so that I can clean and study uninterrupted. I feel like I've failed somehow but I also know that with BPD, you don't get to choose how you act sometimes and it is not always safe for others. FML.

Something that makes me smile every time.

OF course.

Things I was supposed to do today:
Clean
Clean
More cleaning
Organize

Things I have done:
Googled Sade
Googled Sprout
Googled French lessons
Googled fat girls wearing skinny jeans.

Boy. I sure am a productive little lass.

Target, you dissappoint me.

So. I ventured out today, which is Black Friday. I hit up Michael's first for some Christmas decorations. Spent way too much on beads. Target didn't have crap for good deals. It was like nothing was on sale at all. I did get a neat train set for Ro, but that's about it. FAIL STORE!

Just as I thought...

I met my new doc today. He confirmed my BPD, although he says he believes it is Type 1, and not Type 2. That was surprising to me. When I really think about it, though, I can see it too. His office is in this gorgeous Victorian house. I was having a hard time filling out the initial paperwork because I was too consumed by all the antique crown moulding and carvings. I feel relief now that I am validated with the BPD issue. I feel like I can move forward and not have to hide. Good day.

Time drags when you're having a suckass time...

What. A. Year.

I haven't written on my blog in so long. Tomorrow I go to see a new doc who will confirm what we already know--that I do, in fact, suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Strange, it seems that having BPD is actually fashionable these days. It's like it is sooo tragically COOL to have BPD. Well, I have news for you, kids. It's a living hell. Uncontrollable anger? Fun. Hearing voices in your head? Peachy. Not being able to handle cleaning your house, cooking meals, caring for your child, even bathing and combing your hair? The best!

I have always tried really hard to hide it, but I can remember being like this since I was young. It is not uncommon for people suffering from BPD to hear voices. I'm not talking about the type associated with Schizophrenia. These voices typically* don't tell people BPD to do things. The way I can explain it is a constant gathering in one's head. Talking with others who experience this, I've noticed we all seem to just have people talking in our heads who won't shut up, but aren't usually talking TO us. However, this is different when we're on our lows. We (my support group friends and I) have generally agreed that the voices are then malicious. When we're on highs, they are encouraging. Anyhoodle, my point is that when I was younger, I can remember two distinct voices. They were young girls, like me, and I called them my friends. I think people thought I meant imaginary friends, but I don't remember feeling that's what they were. I do know that I assigned names to them--Melinda and Darlinda. They were a source of comfort to me...but they did eventually become silent. I think I concocted a story about them dying in a car crash which I told my mom. As I got older, the "mumblings" just turned into background noise. A constant party or argument. I noticed in highschool I had a lot of highs where I got pretty full of myself. Then I would go into periods of feeling totally worthless. Between 18-22, I was on some meds which kind of helped, though they were for depression. I still had some fluctuations though.

Here is my favorite way to describe what BPD is like. It's like you're sitting in a filthy room with a tiny dirty window. Sometimes you can scrape away the dirt and see out the window, and the sun is shining out there. People are playing and having fun. You get really excited and almost have that window open, but then something ominous and evil drags you back into your filthy cube and makes you watch while everyone else has the time of their lives.

If you have mood swings from time to time, that is NOT BPD. BPD fluctuations are not something you can fully understand unless you have the disorder. This is not situational depression and happiness. Oh, I get comments sometimes like 'well why can't you just be happy?'. 'Suck it up!' 'You need to get out more often!' 'You're just trying to get attention!'. Gee, would that I could. How many times a day do I wish that I could just be "normal" like the people that put people with BPD down. They have no idea. No idea. Do we like not being able to work because we have personality disorders? Do we like being told that we're lazy and too sensitive? You guess.

I suppose I'm angry right now. I'm angry because I know that I can try to explain what this disease is like until I'm blue in the face, and people will still not understand and look down on me. OR think that I'm being dramatic. Or someone will call me crazy, a freak, nuts, psycho. Because that helps sooo much. It is so frustrating.

Tomorrow is a beacon of hope for me. I will do whatever it takes to be a normal human being. If I have to take 6+ medications at once (and I know some people who do), then I will.

<3

HEY YOU. Yeah. You. I think you're super delicious. kthxbai